5. The Room
“The Room” will forever pop up on worst-of lists, because it simply contains the worst of everything. Even the music (usually the only saving grace of some pictures) is hilariously horrid. You have melodramatic music that sounds like it came from a cable TV show a character on a cable TV show would be watching. It’s honestly the kind of music that made the themes on Wii Sports sound like Queen. There’s no wonder within these mysterious tracks, aside from one wondering when the song will end.
Let’s not forget the real reason why this film made this list, and that reason would be the R&B songs that are about as steamy as a freezie. The lyrics sound like they came off of a third grader’s wad of rejected poems (not even the sonnets that made the cut).
Sometimes these lyrics are repeated to the point of ad nauseam, with the prime example being “you are my rose” (without any real explanation as to how one is the singer’s rose). In context, these songs just get sucked into the mass hilarity of the film’s awfulness. Outside of the film, these songs can only remind you of how hard you’ve been able to laugh.
4. Cool as Ice
Some “worst soundtrack” lists include the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, simply because it includes Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap”. I can take the list to even worse territories to prove that there is something worse than having a Vanilla Ice song on a soundtrack: what if the most of a soundtrack was Vanilla Ice?
This atrocity came true with the Vanilla Ice vehicle (perhaps a tricycle) “Cool as Ice”. A number of the songs on here are Vanilla Ice cuts that can only get more awkward with age. Then you have the lack of true imagination with any of these songs. “The People’s Choice” contains a lazy interpretation of a Sly and the Family Stone classic that will only push you away from the source material as opposed to intrigue you (and NO ONE deserves to put you off of Sly and the Family Stone).
The non-Ice tracks aren’t the worst, but they certainly do nothing to save the film either. This soundtrack is either bland 90’s music or, well, Robert Van Winkle’s finest. Ice’s character is meant to be the bad boy with a change of heart, yet the music is about as threatening as a Bounce sheet showing up in your laundry. “Cool as Ice” is right, because this is all a brain freeze.
3. Felix the Cat: The Movie
Felix The Cat: The Movie is one gigantic migraine that festers into your entire neural system. The entire film is a series of annoying sounds slapped on top of irritating visuals. If you ever want to know what you would feel like after getting an icepick lodged into your cranium, this film is the greatest artificial rendition of that sensation. The soundtrack is commonly seen as the best aspect of this kidney stone of a film, but that is barely a compliment at the end of the day.
The soundtrack is so stuck in the 80s that it felt like it was dated the day after it was released. The lyrics barely pertain to the film in a number of the songs (although there really is no easy way to describe the story, in all fairness), and when the lyrics do relate to the narrative, they just feel awkward.
The only decent song (or decent anything) of the film is the song “Who is the Boss”, but even that gets destroyed by—you guessed it— a plethora of awful sounds, talking, and noise. Every song is drenched in both schmaltz and cacophony. In the film, the soundtrack is one of the layers of hell. Outside of the film, the soundtrack is as corny as it gets. You’re really damned if you do (and damned if you don’t) with this one.
2. Troll 2
Goblin created a suspenseful and frightening soundtrack for Suspiria. It mixed progressive rock’s search for the innovative with the kind of sense of wonder found in horror films. The result is an eerie score that blasts the images off of the technicolor screen. However, “Troll 2” tries to do the same thing and fails miserably.
Let’s forget about the vituperative overacting and just focus on the music. It is too upbeat to convey uneasiness (aside from how sugary it all sounds). It is also too monotonous to really stick with you. The majority of the soundtrack sounds like someone testing out their new keyboard (not with how it sounds musically, but rather with how many bricks can be dropped on top of it).
Unlike “The Room”, where the music is at least humorously terrible, the score for “Troll 2” is just a chore to put up with. What other bad film will have you escaping the music by revisiting the other awful aspects of its contents? The music will be the only thing that will feel as though it lasts longer than the iconic “oh my God” yell.
1. Ladyhawke
This is the cream of the crop when it comes to atrocious scores, and it feels painful to list it as the worst of the worst. Andrew Powell clearly wanted to do something great here, and there is some sense of imagination that got injected into the scope of it all.
The soundtrack for “Ladyhawke” is, let’s face it, a flowing mess of sludge. The synths are not only dated, they were off to begin with. The notes just weren’t in the right place for a good chunk of these tracks, and their age only makes them sound worse with every second. The Gregorian chants are a nice idea, but they only seem all the more phony when it comes to how ‘epic’ the music is.
We haven’t even reached the poppier moments of the soundtrack, and, boy, are those difficult to swallow. The upbeat portions of this score sound like an exercise video that got played on top of a low budget 80’s sitcom. It’s a wall of noise, and it’s the poorest collection of noise.
Every musical decision here won’t leave you asking “where will this take me?”, because you will instead be asking “how the hell did we get here?”. Sorry, Andrew Powell. The soundtrack work for “Ladyhawke” may have had the best intentions, but it is just the most insufferable soundtrack in the history of cinema. At least Powell’s work with Kate Bush is great.
Author Bio: Andreas Babiolakis has a Bachelor’s degree in Cinema Studies, and is currently undergoing his Master’s in Film Preservation. He is stationed in Toronto, where he devotes every year to saving money to celebrate his favourite holiday: TIFF. Catch him @andreasbabs.