4. Insidious
Oh my god! How can you put Insidious on the list? This movie is blown way out of proportion. It’s scary, but not scary enough given how they started off. The movie is cool because it takes the house out of haunted houses and replaces it with a child. That’s right! It’s not the house that’s haunted…it’s your son! Great concept! I’m all in! And for the most part, I was in. The first half of the movie had me on edge; the dancing little dude, the head-banger with the leather duster, the deep voice screaming over the baby monitor.
I was jumping every other scene…until…the Darth-maul wanna be, bird-man demon. Come on seriously?? Since when are brightly colored things scary? I’m sorry, but I like my demons to be void of brightly colored faces, and not have bird like features. It just didn’t work for me. Throw in the ghost whisperers and I’m losing it here. The moment they get involved in the film, the scares drained from the movie. The gas-mask scene! Why was the gas-mask necessary, because they look creepy? The film was still entertaining and I very much enjoyed it as a whole, but it was like the tale of two movies. It went from really good scary ideas, to badly executed scary ideas.
3. Mama
Speaking of a tale of two movies-have you seen Mama? This movie started off so damn good. A father kills his wife and business partner makes a run for it with his two little girls. It’s dead of winter, the mountain roads are iced over and the car loses traction and spins out, off the main road. The father finds a cabin where he intends to murder his children and probably take himself out right afterwards. His plan is foiled when an apparition kills him. The apparition is “Mama”, and she raises the girls for the next 5 years. It’s an incredibly scary and interesting premise, and for most of the film, it stays that way. When the girls are first rescued they are almost like primal creatures, walking on all fours, eating whatever they ate for 5 years which I’m sure were more than cherries.
Man, if they spent a little more time on those 5 years this could’ve been a truly inspired film, but they didn’t. The only things we know about those 5 years in Mama’s care are drawings from Victoria as the opening credits role. Ok, so they didn’t go with the awesome idea of a ghost raising two kids. They instead are rescued and left in the care of their Uncle and his rocker-wannabe girlfriend, who conveniently hates kids and still thinks she’s 17. Anyway, insert creepy psychiatrist who gives them a house to stay and raise them as long as he has full, unadulterated access to pry into their minds whenever he wishes. The scariest parts of this movie are the creepy kids, doing creepy leg and hand crawls, and the picture of Mama in my head. Let me say that again, the scariest thing about Mama is all happening off camera.
The moment we see Mama, any fear I had quickly left the room. She looks like a terrible CGI ghost with a Jay Leno-esk chin. When the movie started and I had no idea what she looked like, I was afraid of her. You have to see the movie to understand…she just aint scary. Well just about the time where the movie’s fear factor took a dip, the third act of the film rolls around to kill any hope I had left. I don’t want to spoil the ending…but it’s stupid, nonsensical, and absolutely ruins the scares from the beginning.